Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
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My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Auto correct is my worst enema.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble