It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
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*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
craving $300 all of a sudden
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”