Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

Drive like no one is watching.

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.