Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

I cannot stop laughing at this

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation