Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

One of the best

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.