“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
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If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
My five year plan is a meteorite
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Alexa turn off the planet
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!