Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
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teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Just why bro?!
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Worth the read.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .