Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
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date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.