the tv is very good, the world is very bad: the 2022 story
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*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Tier 3 meme
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boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
That lamp looks PISSED.
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I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!