What’s with those tiny handles on the side of maple syrup bottles. Too small for human hands. So what are they for? Something horrifying I expect. Much to think about anyway.
You Might Also Like
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
From Facebook just now…
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I hope Alan is OK
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Dumplings,
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN