tonight I had the sacred honor of showing a baby boomer how to use the Coke Freestyle machine at a movie theater
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My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
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went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
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vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me![]()
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I bet
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What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers