Me: father father I have finished my collection of short stories and limericks. And father…I have decided to dedicate it to you
My Father (unable to forgive me for the irredeemable sin of having not fought in a war): Have you seen my damn AirPods
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that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
🤣😂🤣
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Oops 🤭
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Time heals everything 🙂
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division