my sim rippin a bong in a subway eatin cookies with a goblin
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When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.