Good point.
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My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
She was REALLY feeling it.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
