My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
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me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
i can’t wait that long
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
This is the one
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.