Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
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It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023