“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
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The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers