[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
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i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Girl, same.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.