I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
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*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes