Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
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Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
twitter users today:
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Cardio Made Easy
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus