*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
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Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them