In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
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I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to