Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
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If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
having children is a pyramid scheme.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.