There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
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Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Noted.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Effort made
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically