I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
You Might Also Like
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆