Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
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As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Can Happiness buy money?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.