📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.