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Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.