In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
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[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse