When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
You sure about that?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Merry Christmas
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!