God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
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7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.