I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
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My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing