I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
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Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.