[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
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HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.