i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
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Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.