[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
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For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.