Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
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Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.