What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.