Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
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I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler