I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
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[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
“TGIM!” – My liver
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.