What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.