[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
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don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.