I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
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Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone