My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
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Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come