Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
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I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
What the hell is going on?
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck