[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I hope this email finds you in a well
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there