I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
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I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
*pokes sex life with a stick
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots