Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
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Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Bringing home a sharpie
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
“you changed” bro i was 15
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I’m an avid indoorsman.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.