[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
You Might Also Like
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes