Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
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I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*